I spend these nights awake.
Awake until I can think no more.
Awake, all I do is think of you
A dream!
Awake, all I do is lie to myself.
Constant is the fear that I may
Run in to what I’ve been looking for.
My goal is to never achieve
And my greatest fear is failure.
Accepting finality is too uncertain
What now?
But resistance is reliable
Never will I attain
Never will I forget.
Laden, is your face
Burdened with the barriers.
Damned barriers.
A fortress of which I must raze
By myself, a grain at a time.
Patience is plenty but time a’ lack
Shut those windows and open the door
Let loose those demons
And a place in your house, I will find.
24.2.09
23.2.09
Problems that I can only solve with more problems.
So, I've been thinking, and I need to do some things. But they all seem too daunting to do, so then I can only think of other things to do in order to get the original things done, but there are so many secondary things that I have to do, I don't know which ones to start with and commit to!
- I need to be reading more plays, memorizing more monologues, and becoming more in-touch with classical theatre.
- I need to figure out a way to make more money. A second job would probably be my best bet. But can I manage two jobs?
- I need to keep my waning friendships from becoming nothing more. I also need to be talking to my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, and grandparents more. Why have I stopped calling them?
- I need to figure out what the hell I'm doing for Spring break.
- I have to find some kind of outlet for my acting. Yes, being a part of The Crazy Monkeys is definitely a great, fun way to perform, but I need to be in plays. And there aren't many audition opportunities around Purdue for that, other than the seasonal productions.
- I need to figure out what to write in blogs. Oh, and also what books to finish. Oh, and what comics I really like. Oh, and what movies I really want to watch.
Chuck Klosterman and his book things.
Well, since I'm relatively terrible at updating and what to update with, I'm just going to go with a few questions Chuck Klosterman presents in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs*. If you don't know much about the book, it's basically a series of essays commentating on society and pop culture. It's really quite a good read with a lot of footnotes and witty banter. Anyway, here ya go. Some interest for you.
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.
Let us assume he can do five simple tricks-he can
pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin
disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the
Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.
These are his only tricks and he can't learn any
more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it
turns out he's doing these five tricks with real
magic. It's not an illusion; he can really conjure
the bunny out of the ether and he can move the
coin through space. He's legitimately magical,
but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive
than Albert Einstein?
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely
healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves
shackled to the ground while his head is held
in place with thick rope. He is conscious and
standing upright, but completely immobile.
And let us assume that-for some reason-every
political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty
International) will be released from captivity
if you can kick this horse to death in less than
twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-
toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
3. You meet your soul mate. However, there is
a catch: Every three years, someone will break
both of your soul mate's collarbones with a
Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you
can stop this from happening: You must swallow
a pill that will make every song you hear-for the
rest of your life-sound as if it's being performed
by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear
Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it
will sound (to your ears) like it's being played
by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live,
every one of their tunes will sound like it's being
covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a
commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice
in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower,
your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist
Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only
sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill?
4. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish
marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster.
In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear
hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch
in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the
furry monster into captivity. These events happen
on the same afternoon. That evening, the president
announces he may have thyroid cancer and will
undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the
front-page editor of The New York Times:
What do you play as the biggest story?
Well, that's all I want to put up, because those are the questions I find most interesting. There's really twenty-three, and they're all pretty good. I hope it is okay to have just copied those questions here? I don't know much about blogging etiquette, but I don't think this was plagiarism since I sited all that stuffs, right?
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.
Let us assume he can do five simple tricks-he can
pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin
disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the
Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.
These are his only tricks and he can't learn any
more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it
turns out he's doing these five tricks with real
magic. It's not an illusion; he can really conjure
the bunny out of the ether and he can move the
coin through space. He's legitimately magical,
but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive
than Albert Einstein?
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely
healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves
shackled to the ground while his head is held
in place with thick rope. He is conscious and
standing upright, but completely immobile.
And let us assume that-for some reason-every
political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty
International) will be released from captivity
if you can kick this horse to death in less than
twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-
toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
3. You meet your soul mate. However, there is
a catch: Every three years, someone will break
both of your soul mate's collarbones with a
Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you
can stop this from happening: You must swallow
a pill that will make every song you hear-for the
rest of your life-sound as if it's being performed
by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear
Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it
will sound (to your ears) like it's being played
by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live,
every one of their tunes will sound like it's being
covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a
commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice
in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower,
your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist
Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only
sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill?
4. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish
marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster.
In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear
hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch
in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the
furry monster into captivity. These events happen
on the same afternoon. That evening, the president
announces he may have thyroid cancer and will
undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the
front-page editor of The New York Times:
What do you play as the biggest story?
Well, that's all I want to put up, because those are the questions I find most interesting. There's really twenty-three, and they're all pretty good. I hope it is okay to have just copied those questions here? I don't know much about blogging etiquette, but I don't think this was plagiarism since I sited all that stuffs, right?
29.1.09
I Guess I'm Gonna Jump Right In.
You know the feeling you get when you first realize you've failed a class and don't know how to tell your parents about it? That feeling that you've just been punched in the stomach from the inside? That's pretty much how I've been feeling almost every minute for the past two months or so. And every time I think about what I really want to be doing right now, the feeling just gets worse. I really do not want to continue with college. Which, I feel, would make my family revolt against me. I feel like I have this pressure on my shoulders to become the first college graduate in my family since my great grandpa. And while this is great motivation, it's not what I want. I want to be taking strictly acting classes and build upon my rather empty portfolio. I don't see how a degree can help too much in acting. I don't know, I guess we'll see.
Having said that, I don't think I've been completely sober for a day straight since January 6th. I'm in debt. I do not address a lot of problems. Problems that, when ignored, can be quite detrimental. For some stupid raisin I think that if I put something in the back of my mind, it'll figure itself out, and go away. I have the mentality of a four year old, mindset of a Club Kid, and maturity of James Lipton.
And finally, on a separate, but equal note, I've been listening to so much Sufjan Stevens lately it's a little ridiculous. Damn, his shit's good. I find it to be very therapeutic, and is lyrics are out of this world. I think my favorite song of his, or at least one of my favorites, is called The Mistress Witch from Mcclu. Even though YouTube is a fuck up and calls it McClure. Also, the video is a bit strange, but I like its organicness.
Bah! Time to go snowball fight with Tim and Shauvon and hopefully others. I'll come up with some catchy goodbye saying some other time. For now, this is me. Bye.
Having said that, I don't think I've been completely sober for a day straight since January 6th. I'm in debt. I do not address a lot of problems. Problems that, when ignored, can be quite detrimental. For some stupid raisin I think that if I put something in the back of my mind, it'll figure itself out, and go away. I have the mentality of a four year old, mindset of a Club Kid, and maturity of James Lipton.
And finally, on a separate, but equal note, I've been listening to so much Sufjan Stevens lately it's a little ridiculous. Damn, his shit's good. I find it to be very therapeutic, and is lyrics are out of this world. I think my favorite song of his, or at least one of my favorites, is called The Mistress Witch from Mcclu. Even though YouTube is a fuck up and calls it McClure. Also, the video is a bit strange, but I like its organicness.
Bah! Time to go snowball fight with Tim and Shauvon and hopefully others. I'll come up with some catchy goodbye saying some other time. For now, this is me. Bye.
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